Dieting is when you eat foods that make you sad and leave feeling hungry still.
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It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Happened to go back & look at my most recent review at work, where my manager literally wrote “you go above, and beyond, attending meetings even on your days off, and you’re an excellent team player” and then marked it as meets expectations!
I’m about to be so unsatisfactory 🖕🏻
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
My parents were going to name me after the city I was conceived in but neither of them knew how to spell Albuquerque.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
*walks up with my full head of mongooses*
Medusa: Let’s rock.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
A tragic love story in two pictures.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
Growing up was a huge mistake
A guy in California is marrying his cat making me realize there was a much cheaper way to be ignored and occasionally scratched.
I was not made for a 9 to 5, I was made to eat pasta and lay in the sun like a lizard
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
Have you ever been so hungry you’ve eaten fruit
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
[last meal on death row]
“Pepper?”
*nods*
“Say when”
*winks to camera*
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Bitcoin. Toothurt.
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.