I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
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Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
financial advisor: what are your retirement goals?
me:
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
Life is short. If you have a crush on someone, walk right up to them then a little past them and just keep going it’s probably not worth it
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
“Daddy will u tuck me in?:)”
“Ok”
*tucks him in*
“Daddy sing me a song:)”
“Ok”
*clears throat*
LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODIES H
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
Some say the glass is half empty. Some say it’s half full. I ask “Are you going to finish that?”.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
being a parent can be really hard but one day your kid will do something simple like bring you breakfast in bed and in that moment you’ll know in your heart that you have to go and clean the kitchen
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
From my hospital bed it occurred to me, that i could never work in a hospital because there are too many opportunities to nap.
i love those posts that are like “would you ruin your life for 1 million dollars???” babe i’m doing it for free