@AmishPornStar1: Diets are for people who can't afford to buy bigger clothes.
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@backporchlady: My black pants had more cat hair on them after they came out of the dryer. Guess I should check the dryer for cats before I start it.
@3sunzzz: Hang up weed instead of mistletoe, then every time you stand under it you can have a snack.
@vikkaroni: "Two roads diverged in a wood, and I? I took a nap until I finally heard a car coming."
@jergarl: Me: OMG I'm so tired. Ambien: Your wife would look AMAZING covered in mustard and chocolate chips. Me: I'm on it. A: And Cheetos. M: K.