Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
A Person Who Cares has informed me there’s a helium shortage, which I knew.
She said “it’s not just for balloons,” which I also knew.
She asked me if could even name three other uses for helium, which I did.
It was a tough day for A Person Who Cares.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
New dad: my kid started teething it’s awful.
Me: want some advice?
New dad: please!
Me: step 1 get a bottle of whiskey.
New dad: okay.
Me: step 2 drink it all.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
I’m a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I’m a Florida Walmart 5.
*cuts down perfect Xmas tree*
Me: What do you think kids?
Kids: Yay!!!!!
Wife: It’s beautifulNeighbor: …what are you guys doing in my yard?
Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
The vast majority of spider couples met on the web.
Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine