Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
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Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
How did we decide to go with cockpit?
Terrifying watershed moment at work today. For years, kids have accidentally called teachers “mum” or “dad” without thinking, with hilarity ensuing. Today one of my colleagues got referred to as “Alexa”.
barbara was highly relatable
[pearly gates]
ANGEL: bad jokes are not allowed in heaven
ME: ok
ANGEL: that means absolutely no puns
ME: abSOULutely
*clouds turn to fire*
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
[smallpox]
Only 1890’s kids will get this
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Yesterday there was a sign in our building lobby saying that a possum was living in our trash cans. This morning the sign was gone.
Best case scenario: The possum relocated overnight.
Worst case scenario: The possum took down the sign itself
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Nice empty fish tank
It’d be a shame if someone were to FILL IT WITH SNAKES!
*the terrarium is invented*
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Dudes who take one picture in a suit then start posting about success, just go to the wedding bro.
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
My 3yo and 4yo are screaming at each other about privacy. Isn’t it ironic?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.