*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
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Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
I bet the worst part abt being an organ harvester for the black market is having to fill the motel bathtub using that little bucket for ice.
A big part of my wife’s cardio routine is rolling away from me in bed.
My 7 year-old son had a playdate with a girl yesterday. After about 10 mins he asked if she wanted to go upstairs and see his ‘pound machine’. Somewhat concerned, we followed them up and found them taking turns standing on the bathroom scale.
Crisis averted, for now.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
just remembering the time Arthur was murdered by his own father
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.
When I was kid the internet was called Encyclopedia Britannica
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
My dog loves me, but he also eats his own poop. I don’t think I can trust his judgment.
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
‘Head, shoulders, knees and toes’ used to be a lot more cheery when I wasn’t singing about what hurt on a morning.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.