*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
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If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I don’t really want to hear about the marathon, unless of course, they add an element of suspense. Like a Bear at mile 3.
I like to think my essence leaves my body at night, and walks the lonely streets trying to eat custard with chopsticks.
“Omg there’s a picture of him blowing smoke out of his mouth. I must bang him this instant”- no one, ever.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Cheers Twitter.
If you’re wondering what all these scratches on my chest are from, it’s because my cat hates to get in the hot tub with me.
Tell me you get it…🤣
[work email]
Me: Can I meat the new guy?
Boss: Meet? Okay, sure…
Me: Great!*hides bag of steaks*
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
My general rule about animals is if I can catch it, I can pet it. If it can catch me…well, I’ll get a few pets in first.
Librarian: Shhh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: Shh!
Me: Shh!
Librarian: *glares at me*
Me: Look lady, I can do this all day.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…