Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
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ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?
ME: Barry Bombs
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Sorry I said, “Maybe you’ll do better next time” when you showed me your baby.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Furniture Salesman: This dining table is made of solid maple and can seat up to twelve people.
Me: (Dumps two loads of laundry on top.) I’ll take it.
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
psa: clockwise doesn’t change just because you’re left-handed
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I’m prepared for anything.
Pull the rug out from under me and you’re gonna find another rug under there.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
I disagree with liquor store hours. It’s 8am..let me in.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
My daughter wants to know why I won’t peel and slice her apple and according to her “because I’m driving” is not a valid excuse.
Wife: I can’t remember beef ever being this expensive
Me: Would you say the steaks have never been higher? LOL
Wife: Please wait in the car. Our car this time.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Guys what shall we call thing that impedes movement?
GUY NAMED BARRY: “How about a barry?”
GUY NAMED BARRY BARRY: “How about a barrier?”