[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
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Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite film about Groundhog Day is my favourite fi
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Whacked myself on the butt with a fly swatter just to feel something
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
Sometimes you have to put your phone down and take a look at what’s around you..
And wonder how you drove your car into a swimming pool.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
I’m proud to announce that am winning my fight against sobriety.
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
Girls are shit with birthday gifts you’ll hint for a Rolex all year & she’ll turn up with a jar that’s filled with 22 things she loves about you lol
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
[opens treasure chest & it’s full of treasure]
Me: whoa
Friend: what is it?
Me [slowly closing chest]: spiders
I’m at the age where if I took an oatmeal bath I would want to add blueberries.