Digital security in Ancient Troy
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i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
This day in history. 1965. The Who’s equipment van was stolen while they were inside the Battersea Dogs Home choosing a dog to guard their van.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
Planet of the Apps.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
Noah: yes
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
Noah: ….ya
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
step 6: release the wall snake
*sits down in a classy as hell bar*
“barkeep! a bottle of your finest champagne please. I earn…”
*lowers shades*
“$200 every 4 months”
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.