Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
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*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
I fold.
Origami Instructor: That’s why we’re here, yes.
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I explained ‘gluten allergy’ to my grandma and she sighed and told me they ate leather belts during WWII to keep from starving
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
Friend: [handing me baby] Here’s the apple of my eye
Me: Why is this apple crying? And why does your eye have an apple? What kind of apple—oh my god I think your eye apple just pooped
Waiting patiently for something good to happen like that goat in Jurassic Park.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Hurricane. It’s fine.
Broken foot. Still fine.
Anemic, arthritic, slow walking dog who refuses to go in the backyard so must be walked through nature’s hissy fit. Totally fine.
Coffee maker not working. EXTREMELY NOT FINE.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”
When someone compliments you, etiquette dictates that you respond with “That is accurate.”
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
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When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Hi, I’m Ben. You might remember me from such dates as “Hey, your friend is cute.” and “I forgot my wallet at home”.
Me 🙂
My brain: there are dudes in prison who manage to find girlfriends on the outside, but you can’t get someone to text you back
Me 🙁
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
If a ship travels 24 knots per hour and the trip is five hours then how was there not enough room for Jack on that door??
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*