*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
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Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Should we just leave the door open for Santa since we don’t have a chimney?
-my kid who is about to get us burglarized
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
not to get all political on here but i’m pretty sure strawberry and blueberry pop-tarts taste exactly the same.
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Me: After 10 years of parenting, I’ve become very good at carrying on a conversation with myself.
Also me: Yes, I can see that.
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Me: I think you might have schizophrenia
Me: No I don’t
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
My three year old walked into the garage while I was working out yesterday and I may need to rethink my playlist because today he’s telling everyone that “anacondas love honey buns”.
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
They say old habits die hard…
My ex was an old habit, here’s to hoping.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.
I must have more than ten fingers because I broke like 17 nails today
[son comes home with big lump on his forehead]
ME: Oh no, what happened?
7: I fell down on the playground.
ME: How did you fall?
7: Forward.
My friend: I was waiting here and all was normal and then suddenly all hell broke loose
Me:
Me: So, you’ve been waiting at this bus stop since 2019?