Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
You Might Also Like
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
My dad can get into “dad-mode” sometimes. He’s a doctor who is worried about the virus, and told me, his 24 year old son, in a 5 min rant that this isn’t the time to be trying to have a lot of “play-dates”. So if you were trying to play after school im sorry my dad said we cant
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
Peter Parker Peter Driver
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
(2022)
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
[christmas eve]
SON: i’m gonna stay up late and catch santa claus!
ME: listen kiddo, about santa
SON: yea?
ME: [whispering] he could snap u in half like a damn twig
SON: what
ME: he’s wily too. like a jackal
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
Her: I wish you would surprise me sometimes.
Me: *shedding my human skin to reveal I am actually Nergal, Mesopotamian God of death*
Her: No, not like that.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
Told 4 about a link where astronauts were reading stories in space for kids to watch.
“That’s a terrible idea!” she says. “They shouldn’t be reading while they’re driving!”
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
I just heard some kind of young person on the radio reviewing a song, referring to “that old retro sound from about 2005”, so, if anyone needs me, I’ll be screaming into a pillow until some blood comes out.
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.