Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wait, there’s a big difference.

Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?

Just got unfollowed by exorcist scary looking lady with crazy eyes who has “will get in cars with strangers” in her bio. I’m hiding……..

Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?

Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?

Remembering that period of time when everyone was hella into parkour, fell onto concrete once, and never tried again.

If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.

My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.

I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?

I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.

Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?

Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?

Deacon: How do you feel about knives?

How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?

cop: did u see the speed limit sign

me: of course

cop:

me: but not u

Edward norton: what’s your power

Me: I recast avenger characters

Mark ruffalo: wait wut

I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.

I was born to run.

The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.

All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.

Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.

prediction: there will be an earthquake 21 minutes ago

Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them

english majors be like furthermore

“You have too much stuff”

– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house

Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.

Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.

Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”

latin students necrophiliacs

🤝
enjoying a dead tongue

I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.

[first date]

Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.

The chip dip i ate with a spoon may not have helped my weight loss, but the diarrhea it gave me sure did.

Who’s your best friend?

Wanted:

Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.

Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.