@Mostly_Cheese

[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

You Might Also Like

@gingerfaced

I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.

@armyVet1972

Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?

@fro_vo

[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda

@OBiiieeee

[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no

@bendymommy

Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.

@ArfMeasures

[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up

@heatherlou_

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

@ClichedOut

nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down

nurse:

me: would not recommend

@KalvinMacleod

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

@jackiembouvier

I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.