I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
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Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking
PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
me: would not recommend
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.