Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.

You Might Also Like


I’ve been hitting “remind me later” for about the last 4 years on Adobe.


Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?


[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda


[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]

Her: faster! faster!

Me: oh god no


Sorry I can’t date you because I’m seeing anybody else.


[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinking

PATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up


As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.


nurse: how do u rate ur pain

me: it’s a thumbs down


me: would not recommend


GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy


I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.