[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
You Might Also Like
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
the small neighbor human and i. have been working on a puzzle. for quite some time. we only have one piece left. but we can’t find it anywhere. i hope i didn’t eat it. that sounds like something i might do
How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Gym employee: -and here’s your membership card.
Me: So we fight here?
GE: What?
Me: I fight you and get your gym’s badge. So you want me to defeat you in your office or-
GE: Oh, ha! I think you might be confused (turns baseball cap around) for it is you who will taste defeat
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
My kid informed me that her favourite salad is butter and I felt that
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
Is it too early to start drinking? – some moron with a clock.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Me: I love Bowl Season
Them: yeah, football every day for a month!
Me: *surrounded by 47 bowls of snack foods* huh?
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
My 3yo came running towards me, I opened my arms ready for the biggest hug from him until he stopped right in front of me, wiped his nose on my sleeve and ran away
That’s motherhood summed up for you
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH THE SUN
1. I do NOT approve of its plan to consume Earth in 7 billion years. THAT’S WHERE I LIVE
2. Why am I banned from looking at it? I’LL STARE AT THE SUN ANYTIME I WANT
3. STOP STRENGTHENING MY ENEMIES BY GIVING THEM FREE VITAMIN D, YOU STUPID SUN
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible