Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Cop: you were going pretty fast there. In a hurry to get somewhere?
Me: nope, just tryna lose the cop back there
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
Grim Reaper: I’m here for the sole!
Waiter: *whimpering* omg can I… can I say bye to my family?
Grim Reaper: uh, no, the fish special.
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
#parenting
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Whenever a long lost friend calls me, I get suspicious & wonder if he’s calling me to sell Amway products..
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
I’ll take Manly Men for $500, Alex.
“Answer. These booklets of pages are a pointless waste of time.”
What are instructions?
“Correct.”
“You know what? I had a speech ready but I’m going to speak from the heart”
*smashes teleprompter with a baseball bat*
BREAKING: Emotionally disturbed man gets into Trump Tower.
He was stopped by security, but not before being named a senior advisor.
Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
*softly brushes the hair away from your face
“I said it’s my turn to jump in the bounce house.”
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*