Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
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me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
How quickly family vacations go from omg we only have 4 days left to omg we still have 4 days left
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Lying on the hammock while my wife does yard work. Don’t know exactly what she’s planting but the hole she dug is slightly bigger than me.
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast
oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
Is fructose made with real fruct?