Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
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*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
Ladies, don’t tell me you care about the environment if you don’t support my “Share a Shower” water conservation program.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
My spirit animal died of neglect.