[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
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Have kids they said, it’s life changing they said, you’ll love it they said…
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
This egg could use more egg
– guy about to invent hollandaise sauce
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
*has no idea what a book even is*
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I cough whenever I answer the phone so people know not to invite me to anything.
Day 2 without sports:
Found a young lady sitting on my couch yesterday. Apparently she’s my wife. She seems nice.
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Praying for people who setup a 5PM work meeting on a Friday to be blessed with the most obnoxious kids
1st toddler: Here is a book you can look at.
2nd toddler: Here is a toy you can play with.
3rd toddler: Here is something you can break.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*