[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
Police: I’m afraid you’ve been the victim of identity theft…
Me: FINDERS KEEPERS NO TAKE BACKS
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
The scar above my left eyebrow is from jumping out of a car to escape a Phil Collins song.
Monday?
No. Next question.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
911: Sir, I understand you think it did it against your will and was aggressive but we can’t arrest an auto flush toilet.
Me: I WASNT READY
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
self awareness is such a two edged sword omg?? like yay i know myself better!! but at what cost.
Ok, imagine torturing someone
But, by torture, I’m just asking a person to get their pajamas on
And, by someone, I mean my son
#parenthood
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Told my son I was born with a cone shaped head because doctor used a vacuum thing to pull me out at birth. He now calls me cone head and is looking for a cone emoji to put on his phone next to my contact name. WE ARE ADJUSTING TO COHABITATING JUST FINE!
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th