Facebook is pretty much the Wal-Mart of the internet.
[dinner at brother’s house]
“So where are the kids?”
Brother: I grounded them.
*spits out meatloaf*
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So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
*walks up to cute teller at bank*
Me: you wanna grab lunch some time?
T: sir, I’ve seen your balance.
M: yea, I was hoping you’d buy.
[the middle of showering] I need a break
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.