[dinner at brother’s house]

“So where are the kids?”

Brother: I grounded them.

*spits out meatloaf*

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*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.


Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?


Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.


If there isn’t a Chinese millionaire called ‘Cha Ching’ I will be so disappointed.


“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”

– Diet ads for Cannibals


*walks up to cute teller at bank*

Me: you wanna grab lunch some time?

T: sir, I’ve seen your balance.

M: yea, I was hoping you’d buy.


[new snowman watching the snowfall]

Is this *gags* is this flesh?


I was at the beach and the lifeguard blew his whistle at me. Dude, I’m 40. I’m not listening to a teenager in a bathing suit.