[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
You Might Also Like
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
me after drinking all the wine:
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
rich people when they have to pay taxes
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
Was driving to a doctor’s appointment and ended up at my favorite donut shop so life does find a way
Brain: He mentioned marriage again. You know what to do.
*sets phone on fire*
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
i like calling a man my “former lover” because then it sounds like it happened in france and not in the bonefish grill parking lot
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I’m wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Ran into someone that said “oh I haven’t seen you in a long time” and I was like I know I did that on purpose.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
Many hands make light work
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
My 3yo just straight-faced handed me a mirror and asked if I wanted to see something yucky!
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
“I’ve lost 200 pounds in just one year.”
“Oh. CrossFit?”
“No. Gambling.”
If only the workout your thumbs get from scrolling on your phone would go to your abs.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*