@Skoogeth

[dinner at fergie’s house]

fergie: what do you think of the food i made?

me: it’s ok

fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?

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@beccafacexo

I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?

@BradBroaddus

It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.nnI probably should have waited until I got to a red light.

@Merman_Melville

Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers

@Artemis_Ascends

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

@GingerHotDish

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

@angeliav68

Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..

@Petote

Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.

@Marlebean

“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”

Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!

@mydmac

I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.