[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
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Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.
Me: Waiter, there’s a duck in my soup
Waiter: That’s a pond, you’re at a park, I’m just here with my family, will you put some pants on?
T-Rex Dad: Today, I’m going to show you how to run after your meal.
T-Rex Teenager: But, if I run after a meal, won’t that upset my stomach?
T-Rex Dad: [Sigh] Our species is going to be SO extinct.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
I don’t need a woman to save me from my bad choices per se…but if she knows how to tie a tourniquet, that’s a plus.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Shouting “Shotgun” will get you the front seat of a car or a heap of cash if you whisper it to a cashier.
*turns on ceiling fan*
Oh shit my stamp collection
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
there’s a lot of rumors going around about me about how I exaggerate the number of rumors going around about me
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
*nervous sweating* I’m going to go to the bathroom, did you want anything?
(Me tryna flirt)
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
I have a kidney to donate. It’s not mine, so I don’t know much about it.
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
director: it’s a really cute movie about a deer and his mother
disney: sounds great, let’s add murder
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date