Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?

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Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]


[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*


My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”


When Pink Floyd sings, “just another brick in the wall,” it’s a little bit demeaning to bricks.


Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges


Wife: How is he?

Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water

Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?

Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead


*on a date *

Her: I love hiking, camping…I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!

* trying to impress *

Me: I live outside.

Her: What?

Me: I’m homeless.