Hey, did you say that your dog likes to ‘exercise’ or ‘exorcise’? [dog is already throwing holy water around the house]
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
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Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
My two-year-old just made up her own ukulele song. It seems to be called “Even if I was never born (I would still want a popsicle)”
When Pink Floyd sings, “just another brick in the wall,” it’s a little bit demeaning to bricks.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Scar didn’t murder Mufasa. It’s a cat’s natural instinct to knock things off ledges
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
“What’re you like in the bedroom?”
*on a date *
Her: I love hiking, camping…I LOVE THE OUTDOORS!
* trying to impress *
Me: I live outside.
Me: I’m homeless.