Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
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Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
Maybe leave yourself in a hot car with a window open one inch for 15 minutes while your dog runs into the store
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
“No pain, no gain!” I scream at myself while bending over to cut my toenails
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
I always tell my kids that it’s ok to make mistakes just as long as you learn how to blame them on other people.
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
ME: *sees my shadow* holy shit i’m a groundhog
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
Good cop: you want coffee?
Bad cop: where did you hide the money?
Cop that freelances for BuzzFeed: answer these questions to find out what type of criminal you are
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews