men what’s stopping you from looking like this
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CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
Friend: Can I be honest with you about something?
Me: Of course!
Friend: You sometimes-
Me: *walking into the ocean* Hahah I know, right?
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
My milkshake brings all the hot hazmat suit wearers to my yard
But only one at a time because quarantine
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
EXECUTOR OF MY WILL: I’m so sorry for your loss. Mr. Nadeau has requested he be mummified, but in Fruit Roll-Ups.
WIFE: *Knocks on coffin* Andrew. You have to stop doing this. Are you alive?
ME: *Muffled* No.
WIFE:
ME: *Muffled but sadder* Maybe.
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
Me: *driving kids to school unshowered*
Anxiety: What if you crash and the first responders realize you haven’t showered?
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[Lying on the grass, staring at the full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.