Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
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I’ve watched enough Dexter to know if he’s lying about one thing he might also be lying about a lot of other things and secretly a serial killer.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
it’s only a faux pas if it’s from the faux pas region of france, otherwise it’s just a sparkling oops
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
[At the first thanksgiving]
Pilgrims: Im thankful for the land you gave us
Natives: we didnt give you land?
Pilgrims: *winks at the camera*
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
Always…
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
some Old Testament wisdom
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
[library]
hi do you have any books about when a guy is really mad at one specific whale
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Just saw a man park, walk into a movie theater, walk out two minutes later with a large popcorn and a fountain soda, get in his car, and drive away. A hero of our time.
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.