– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
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Hubs: *Climbing ladder to put baby bird back in nest* [at my request]
*Falls off ladder*
Me: Oh my God, is the bird okay?
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Interviewer: “Why did you leave your last job?”
Me: “After coming back from vacation, all my passwords had expired. It was easier to resign than reset them.”
listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
whoever removed the 30th and 31st from february, come get the 14th too bro
Flossed the day before a dentist appointment like I was cramming for a history test.
In 1993, I saw a toddler slip on ice and land on a cat, but I didn’t have any social media outlet to tell people about it. So, here it is.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Apparently granny panties and crocs was not the answer he was looking for when he messaged ‘baby what are you wearing?’
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Government Shutdown: Day Two
Mars rover Curiosity sits with nothing to do.
Watches all 5 seasons of “The Wire”.
Totally gets the hype now.
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
Sites that are selling my tweets for money.1. Twitter2. FavStar3. Funny Tweeter <3 you guys!
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.