[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh


Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

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*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-


*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*


I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head

Win some, lose some


BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*


*I knee slide down the aisle, microphone to lips*


Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.


Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.


How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.


Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.


Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.