[dinner negotiations]
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: ugh
Wife:
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
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No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Autumn. When libraries see the classics fly off the shelves as people look for heavy books to press leaves.
my gf left me bc i’m paranoid
nvm she’s back, she went pee
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
i’ve found my new favorite subculture
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.
Top uses for a bathroom exhaust fan:
3. Remove moisture from the air
2. Remove odor from the air
1. Cover up disgusting sounds
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Press 1 for English
Press 2 For SpanishPress 1 or 2 for Indian
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
Facebook post: Sad news. Mom passed away this morning.
Facebook: Be the first person to like this.
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it