*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
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*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*
Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]
*3 minute unskippable ad plays*
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
*I knee slide down the aisle, microphone to lips*
ARE YOU READYYYYYYYY FOR JEFF’S FUNERAL?!
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
Complimented Taylor Swift on her shirt yesterday and now she’s in a tree outside my window with a guitar and a wedding dress. Send.Help.Now.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
Forgot to open the door before applying hand lotion so now I’m stuck in my restroom forever.