@MatCro

[dinner party]

GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?

RICH GUY: I race horses for a living

ME: Do you ever beat them?

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@fro_vo

MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*

@Average_Dad1

In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me

@jazmasta

I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.

@monicaheisey

my dad has been telling me for years about various friendly encounters with Mike, another resident of his apartment building he really likes and i found out yesterday that Mike is a dog

@WhatTheFFacts

On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.

@Feenohmenal

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.