[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
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Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
When people say they’re speechless, I always hope they mean it but they never stop talking
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
JESUS: [walks on water]
JUDAS: Actually, the body is 60% water so it’s only 40% miracle
JESUS: You’re killing me, Judas
JUDAS: Actually..
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
[running into my high school math teacher in 7-11 parking lot]
him: hey what’s up
me: oh just going to the [nervous glance at store sign] -4
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
So glad we cleared that up
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
No point crayon over spilled milk.
when guys on dating apps ask me who my favourite philosopher is i make up a random german sounding name. half of the time they “oh yeah i’ve read some of his stuff”
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*
Newsreader FACT: John Snow started his career at an Eskimo news channel but was let go because it took too long to introduce him.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Kids follow me into every room: Come on guys, give me space
Dog follows me into every room: Awww whOoos mamas lil sidekick
Someone should throw a huge bag of candy into a Tornado. People will be all like “Dude remember that day it rained Skittles?”