[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
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Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
I like to take down Christmas decorations in stages. Right now in the stage where I sit on the couch with a cup of tea in denial that I need to take down the Christmas decorations.
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
HER: do you mind having period sex?
ME: not at all. can we try the Industrial Revolution?
Someone pointed out that there are 4 faces carved in the side of this mountain and now I can’t unsee it
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
I like my salad like my poker opponents – obscured from view by a massive f****** pile of my chips.
I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
the human only brought one little bag. on our walk. so naturally. i had to poop twice. they are in shambles
“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for
Why isn’t Cindy spelled Sindie? Whoever caid C makes an S cound was ctupid.
“As per my email…”
Ooh, someone’s absolutely livid.
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
My entry to the federal duck stamp art contest did not win.
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: I make text look like faces
professor XD : what?