[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
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Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
If you run into an ex, impress them by pulling out a pocketwatch and saying “I should get back to my factory. I own a factory now.” Start puffing on a big cigar, you’re a fat cat now.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
Every time I go to Baskin-Robbins their hamburger machine is broken.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
There are 2 types of people in this world: those that can parallel park on the 1st try and those that don’t think they are better than everyone else.
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
“Get Well Soon” is a lovely thing to write on a card for someone whose home is without a water supply.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
When I’m in an elevator with a stranger I generally hold their hand to let them know that they’re safe
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
me: [tied to a chair] i’ll never talk
terrorist: we’re gonna make you step in wet
me: what
terrorist: with sock
me: no
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Rod can you mute your phone please.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My daughter and I decided to play Monopoly, and we’ve been arguing about the rules for the last hour.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
GENIE: u get 3 wishes!
ME: for my first wish, I want a never-ending bowl of guac
GENIE: guac, huh? Yeah, that’s gonna cost you an extra wish
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
My son had a rough day so I played Fortnite with him and the lesson that I learned is that I hate Fortnite.