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omg your honor why are you like obsessed with my client
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
[first day as an ambulance driver]
ME: *crashes into a light pole*
PARTNER: what the hell you’re not even in the vehicle yet
I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Why are there no owls here? I WAS LEAD TO BELIEVE THERE WOULD BE OWLS HERE!
#hooters
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
boba fett is short for robert fettuccine
I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
Absolutely destroyed my bed last night… I cuddled those covers so hard
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
“Are you busy tomorrow?” My dear, that entirely depends on the rest of the information you’re about to give me.
Me to Copilot: Does “d73H” mean anything to you?
Copilot: Hmm… No. Why?
Me: That nerd down there on the beach seems to think it does.
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Finding a guy to marry who is rich enough to pay off my debt, but not so rich he wants a prenup is, like, so much harder than I anticipated.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
“People have been laughing at me for years for wearing my swim goggles everywhere for protection but who’s laughing now?”
{Turns around quickly}, “I heard that!”
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.