ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
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I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
Is a rivalry between 2 vegetarians still called Beef?
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
[House has collapsed]
Fireman: Your dad is stuck underneath, I’m not sure we’ll find him in time
Me: *steps nearer* GUESS I’LL BE DOING ALL THE GRILLING FROM NOW ON
*rubble starts to move*
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
if you’re going to go around calling pets “fur babies” I’m going to call real kids “skin babies”
My husband said I have everything I need so he’s not getting me anything for Christmas. Really? I need Jason Bateman. Work on that.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
cause of death:
autopsy.
Netflix just suggested I get up and walk around before I develop a blood clot.
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
ME: u know what they say, drink with one eye open
WIFE: they don’t say that, you’re drunk
ME: *closes other eye* it is very dark in here
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
If my dad were alive today he would say, “Mark stop telling people I’m dead”
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
ME: Diligently sanitizing countertops, faucets, door knobs, light switches, remote controls, phones, hands,
ALSO ME: Eating a piece of a Kit Kat I dropped on the floor because wasting chocolate? In these times?
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
Cool. Work is offering a webinar called Why Sleep Matters, and it takes place Friday at 5am.
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
4-year-old: I found a caterpillar. It’s not poisonous.
Me: How do you know?
4: I licked it.
I just sneezed with a cat on my lap and I’m going to need someone to send help I’m losing a lot of blood.