[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
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People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
90% of my vocabulary is comprised of words I’m hoping you don’t realize I made up.
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
I just spilled a bag of popcorn kernels…but, I’m sure you guys heard my wife yelling & already knew that.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
roses are red / violets are blue
who let the dogs out / who who who who
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Australia: geologist beaten up by “angriest octopus” on beach
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
I am yelling
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
The older I get the more I walk like Charlie Chaplin
[entering wrong password] sorry it was dark and you looked like my actual password
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
How software testing works
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I’m dreaming of getting rich like my father.
Wow your dad must be a rich man.
No, he too is dreaming of getting rich.
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My car alarm is the driver’s door falling off onto the foot of an unsuspecting thief.