[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
I just want to feed somebody a extra large corndog too
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
Happy 3 year anniversary to working in a coffee shop at 6AM and my first customer was this lady in a fox costume on her way to surprise chase her daughter, who was afraid of mascots, down the street in Chicago
*watches Planet Of The Apes*
Ugh it’s so unrealistic that dumb creatures would rule the planet*watches the news*
Oh
Comedian: Thanks everyone you’ve been great. Remember, under no circumstances should you tip your waitress.
Cow waitress: [mouths] thank you
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
[at dog park]
ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.
THEM: is, is that a crab?
ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
If my wife comes to bed nude it’s ON, but when it’s me at the end of the bed naked she’s all “what are you doin, we’re at Mattress City.”
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
‘this never happened to me so it probably never happened’
– idiots
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
me: hey how much for the dinosaur
guide: that’s a giraffe
me: how much
guide: the animals aren’t for sale
me: ok gimme two of these giant broccolis how much
guide: those are trees
me: [sighs] how much
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box