[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
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Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
Research shows vacuum cleaners can cause hearing loss.
“You should absolutely get rid of that monster,” said one furry, panting scientist.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
The fastest I ever ended a blind date was when I asked her to tell me about herself and she replied “Well, I’m a Gryffindor”
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
*exercises sarcastically*
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!
Every family needs a delusional daughter who is ambitious about relieving all her family’s struggles solely by winning the lottery one day.
Do you know where mansplainers get their water from?
Well, actually…
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
When the instructions say so easy a child could do it, I assume you mean one of those genius 12-year-olds who double major at MIT.
Haven’t tweeted much the last couple days. Trouble at home. Marital trouble. We’ve always been a team, worked through things well together but now we’ve hit an impasse that I’m not sure how we can work out.
She’s gotten sick of pizza.
I forgot you cant make depression jokes outside of twitter lmao my coworker was like “you ready for this year to be over?” I was like “im ready for this life to be over” he was like bro what
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒