I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
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Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend’s friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Keep messing with those Snapchat filters and your face is gonna stay that way.
[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful
The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
In my youth, there was no “snapschapts”.
If you liked a young lady, you’d draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.