@aotakeo

[dinner time]

me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?

kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make

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@DirtyMelodies

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

@taxiderby

Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no

@AGreaterMonster

So the Macarena turns out to be about a girl double-teaming her boyfriend’s friends. Now we know the lyrics were crowd-sourced from Twitter.

@FinallyHeSleeps

I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.

@tsm560

Keep messing with those Snapchat filters and your face is gonna stay that way.

@ruinedpicnic

[buying cucumber and vaseline]
me: got an awesome night planned
clerk: eugh
[later, eating a cucumber and vaseline sandwich]
this is awful

@kevinseccia

The Flash is lucky because he can run real fast but also because he lives in a world where every problem can be solved by running real fast.

@NewDadNotes

Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-

Wife: plant’s dead.

Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-

Wife: i’m pregnant.

Me: this is fine.

@Jamie1947

In my youth, there was no “snapschapts”.
If you liked a young lady, you’d draw a proper picture of your genitals and send it to her parents.