[dinner time]
me: what would you like to stare at for twenty minutes and then throw away?
kids: whatever’s the most difficult to make
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You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
Props to anyone who tries to be fashionable in ireland i wore a red beret once in waterford and someone called me super mario
I wish I understood computers better so I could find those cookies I’ve been accepting all these years.
“It’s all smoke and mirrors” he said, describing his various drug habits.
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Hot chick without makeup: her beauty is so effortless & carefree
Me without makeup: why is that very sick grandma not in a home
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
This is amazing.
The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
Caller ID really needs to be more detailed like “Your neighbor Todd needs help moving a couch” or the “ex wife is on her way over go hide in the basement.
Your coworkers will leave you alone in the lunchroom if you answer all their questions in a Porky Pig voice.
Fun fact: they used acronyms back in colonial times too but DOS meant Dead of Smallpox and LMFAO meant Lost My Farm and Outbuildings