Dinner time:

*opens fridge & stares

*moves to cabinet & stares

*moves back to fridge & lowers standards

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Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.


Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?

Me: your what?


Me: I’m confused


Me: *crying* someone help me


The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago


The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.


HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?

ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one


Hi. I’m Sarah McLachlan. Every year, thousands of innocent dragons are hunted for their balls


*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!


Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.


Don’t blame me. You’re the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.


Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.