Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
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Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Hi. I’m Sarah McLachlan. Every year, thousands of innocent dragons are hunted for their balls
*me, struggling to please the members of our tea club*
“Please, everyone! Why can’t we all just get oolong?!
Decades of video games have left me WAY too confident in my ability to break open a wooden crate.
Don’t blame me. You’re the one following a 32 year old man who just jumped into his bed like an Olympic athlete because scary monsters.
Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.