Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
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Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
I’m paranoid AND needy: I think people are talking about me, but not as much as I’d like.
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
What even happened today?
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
Me: Stop fighting this minute!! ONE…
Kids: *fighting*
Me: TWO…
Kids: *still fighting*
Me (sweating): TWO AND A HALF
Kids: *brawling at this point*
Me: ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ ᶜʳᵃᵖ *texting* mom I need help what happens if you get to three
Professor X: What’s your superpower?
Me: I turn positives into negatives.
Confessor X: Oh.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
whenever i wake up before my alarm
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
If I die before I wake, I died doing what I loved.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
“Hello from the outsiiiiide. I must have called a thousand tiiiiimes”
– me, drunk, leaving my wife another voicemail because I’m locked out
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
BIKE: Seems like you’ve been eating well since the last time you used me.
ME: *regretting the “great deal” I got on a vicious cycle*
“Please be aware that we are experiencing higher than average call volume”
*connects*
Agent: Hello
Me (whispering): hello
looks legit
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
lmao i hate nyc corner dudes so much. rushing out this am to to the subway, I have on a big yellow (faux) fur coat…tell me why this dude yelled out, “go ahead big bird, looking fly!” 😂😭🐥
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time