[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
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My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Baltimore’s chief export seems to be artisanal crime narrative.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
People will be like “there is no right or wrong way to do it” until you do it the wrong way.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
An app that lets you book a house without the owner’s permission, call it AirBnE
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
Being the father of teenagers means never trusting the tops of salt shakers ever again.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
date: so what do you do?
me: *recalling how I deface every mesh window covering I see with Sharpie* I’m a screenwriter
People with pretty privilege?
You mean the gourgeoisie???
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️