@heytherecore

[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST

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@Mrs_JGplus3

My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”

………. she’s my 3rd kid.

@emceej

Don’t forget to smile today, but not that creepy smile that makes us all wonder how many bodies are buried in your yard.

@Jason_Horton

When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?

@CollegeHumorLol

When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, “Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom”.

@junejuly12

[texting]
Me: meet me at 8 sharp

Kid: what if I feel salient instead?

Me: just be on time

Kid: or acuminate, maybe cuspidated

Me: are you playing with the thesaurus on your phone again?

Kid: indubitably

@Bob_Janke

A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators

@KentWGraham

Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.

@iwearaonesie

wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about getting a goat?
me [stops feeding the goat] You would have said no

@causticbob

A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.