Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
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Romance is:
Making her a sandwich and cutting it in half using your miter saw for the perfect angle.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
A child will either brush their teeth for 3 seconds or for 15 minutes.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
[about to post]
Social Media Police: Is it reliable
Me: Yes
SMP: Source?
M: I heard it from a friend who heard it from a friend
SMP: Proceed
everyone’s a critic
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
*slams table
WHY DID VILLAINS FROM SCOOBY-DOO ASSUME THEY’D GET AWAY WITH ANYTHING IF NOT FOR MEDDLING KIDS THEY GOT CAUGHT BY A STONED DOG
Sure, you can clean your house while the kids are home. You could also shovel your driveway with a spoon during a blizzard. When it comes to wasting time, the possibilities are endless.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Mom: Sorry, I won’t be able to come in today. My son’s got stuck in the washing machine.
Boss: Aw okay. Poor thing, how old is he?
Mom: 27
ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth
Picasso: how
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
Never sell a golf club on Facebook to someone from East Kilbride!
Sometimes, I just want to be taken seriously. And sometimes, I just want to be taken, seriously.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.