Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
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cop: can you describe the suspect
witness: he was no more than 6 feet
cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god
If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.
Her: *opens menu*
Me: *eyes narrowing* wait-a-minute
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
GOD: Make them imperfect…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Someone please tell my mother she won’t get a free iPod by clicking the links. She’s convinced I just don’t want to show her how to use it.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.