[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
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Nothing sexier than when a man pulls you close, looks deep into your eyes, and puts a Babybel in your mouth.
#SCOTUS one-star review
If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
him: hands up, this is a robbery!
me *looks around* it’s actually a bank
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Cat: [coughing up a hairball]
French tutor: very good
It’s easy to make friends as an adult, you just go up to someone you think looks normal & ask them if they’d like to go pick out matching butterfly knives with you, it works for dating & job interviews, too
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
Just signed husband up on eharmony.
Now we wait.
Deleted duck from my autocorrect so it no longer keeps ducking changing my favourite ducking swear word.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
The trend of high school girls dressing as Steve Harvey and doing that “SIT ON IT” clip is SENDING MEEE
I can’t be the only person who daydreams about licking people
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
HR: We’ve noticed a substantial amount of office supplies missing recently.
Me *wearing a 3-piece suit made of Post-It notes*: That’s odd
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*