@rockymomax

[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

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@Smuirf

Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.

@climaxximus

cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god

@StephenAtHome

If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.

@seamusmckracken

I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.

@JB4Realz

[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.

@clindsaysway

The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.

@mommajessiec

Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*

@bobbiejo448

Someone please tell my mother she won’t get a free iPod by clicking the links. She’s convinced I just don’t want to show her how to use it.

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.