DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice

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Mexican jokes and black jokes are pretty much the same. Once you hear Juan you’ve heard Jamal.


cop: can you describe the suspect

witness: he was no more than 6 feet

cop: [crossing out spiders] thank god


If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.


I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.


[creating humans]
GOD: Make them imperfect…
ANGEL: Okay…done…
GOD: Now make them apologize to Me all the time for being imperfect.


The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.


Husband: *leaves to run an errand*

Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*


Someone please tell my mother she won’t get a free iPod by clicking the links. She’s convinced I just don’t want to show her how to use it.


Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.

Me: Mmm hmmm

Wife: Are you even listening to me?

Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.