@KalvinMacleod

[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm

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@hookmeupinit

Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive

@Theropologist

Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms

@hyperseas

Guys, don’t ever tell a girl that she’s yummier than a gummy bear, she’ll know it’s not true because nothing is yummier than a gummy bear.

@angibangie

The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…

-My best pickup line

@coolauntV

modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”

@Ristolable

I had a teacher in high school who always assumed we’d give the wrong answer.
“What’s hotter, green or red peppers?”
Green
“Nope. Green.”

@fro_vo

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

@djdarrellripley

Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!

Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?

Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..