[dinner]
HER: don’t embarrass me tonight
ME: how would I do that?
WAITER: just an fyi we ran out of lettuce
ME: ok, everyone romaine calm
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I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
Why is it the only thing a woman wants out of a man these days is security?
Well it’s the first thing they say when I approach them.
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
Another Fast and Furious movie coming in 2023 if they don’t name it Fast 10 Your Seatbelts I’m going to be very disappointed.
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Some killjoy: ‘Stop playing with your food!’
*Me and my ham sandwich get down from the seesaw*
my 5 year-old son just threw his Peppa pig doll down a flight of stairs. While staring over her mangled body, he said “Awww..Peppa we have to be careful next time” and I think I am raising Kathy Bates from Misery
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
i’m sure it’s fine
GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT
A bridesmaid, but it’s just someone to hold the bottom half of my CVS receipt.
13yo forgot where she put her kindle and 9yo offered to help her find it, and my husband and I couldn’t stop laughing because those two can’t find anything.