[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
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Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
Before Facebook existed cavemen bragged about their kids by drawing on the rocks
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Wife: our daughter just said shit.
Me: oh no! what do we do?
Wife: obviously we can’t curse around the house anymore.
Me: [gasp] you think the house taught her that word?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Alcohol: You know Kung Fu and you’re not afraid to use it
Brain: This makes sense right now
Body: We’re on board
Pavement: Come at me bro
Math never tried to solve any of my problems.
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.