@SondraDeeMe

[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

You Might Also Like

@BreachingBad

Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?

@ArfMeasures

Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes

@SharkJelly

Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey

@Social_Mime

We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.

@Up2Long

17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.

@rad_milk

women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady

@HeelyHanson

Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’

@natalie2111

Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”

@BoomBoomBetty

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.