SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.

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Boss : You are not allowed to drink in the office.

Beer Fan : Budweiser?


Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes

Him: Yes but without peas

Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes


Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey


We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.


17 yo didn’t do chores last night. I delete all songs on iPod and replace them with the theme song to Scooby Doo. Enjoy the bus to school.


women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady


Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’

Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’


Have you ever listened to someone talk for a while and started to wonder “who ties your shoelaces for you?”


One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.