[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
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Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
Me: I’m so lonely.
ChatGPT: *looking at virtual watch* wow look at the time I need to be somewhere.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
Twitter: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk dial the world?
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
No, YOU forgot you colored your hair and nearly screamed because there was a strange woman in your hotel bathroom.
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Mario:
– Only went outside because of a kidnapping.
– Kept to social-distancing whenever possible
– If something got too close, jumped from a safe distance and landed on its head.
– ate mushrooms to survive this surreal hellscapeBe like Mario.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
You can’t embarrass me. My parents practiced disco dancing in our living room while my friends were over.
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Who called it baking and not making love
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
even bears disappoint their mothers
Wikigenius
I’ve never struggled with depression, we’ve always gotten along together.
lol
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
Bike for sale
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.