My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
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Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
Me: the heart wants what the heart wants
My heart: please stop killing me with corn syrup and pork products
Me: shut up
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
I am crying
Nelly Furtado: I’m like a bird, I’ll only fly away
A bird: you’ve got me there
Nelly: I don’t know where my soul is
A bird: pardon
The cashier told me to have a good holiday like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats, and hummus suggests anything else.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
Hear me out – fortune hotdogs
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is “incorrect”
KID: I haven’t spelled it yet
JUDGE: No, that’s your word
KID: T-H-A-T-’-S
JUDGE: No-
KID: N-
All the toys under the tree
Have now gone
completely missingYou’ve been hit by
You’ve been struck by
Reverse Santa Claus
I was in Tesco today & this bloody weirdo was following me around
The most important meal of the day is the next one
Her: I still think that’s a stupid name for a dog
Me: how dare you, I named him after my grandfather
[Earlier]
Me: aww looks like Grandpa has the zoomies
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
Every husband sings this song 😂🤣😂 🤣😂🤣
The ending is priceless 😆😆😆
Video Credit: Jason Chen Music
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Surprise your girlfriend at work by wearing a ski mask and taking everyone hostage
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.