Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
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A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Amaranth, bulgur, kamut, quinoa.…a list of ancient grains sounds suspiciously like an list of Elder Gods.
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
Me, 19 at my first real corporate job: this is awesome. Why is everyone so grumpy??
me, 17 yrs later at same company: I swear to everything Carol if you “reply to all” one more damn time I will rip your face off and use it as a mask!!!!!
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
Birthdays were invented by big wax corporations to sell more candles with numbers on them.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child
Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
Ghost hunters use special cameras made specifically for taking soulfies.
Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
The year is 2543. Beyblades are a form of currency. Everyone speaks in emoji. President Woof outlaws all cats. Madonna releases a new single
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.