*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
oh its a thesaurus

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My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now


Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.


[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it


My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.


One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.


HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea


Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.


Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.