@jonnysun

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

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@VitaeArcanum

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

@ThugRaccoons

Me: How could you do this?

Her: I just felt like you needed to know

Me: I’ve completely lost trust

Her: I know this is hard

Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.

@GrantTanaka

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

@funnweaver

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

@ConanOBrien

One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.

@ArfMeasures

HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel

MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway

HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.

Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.

@thevickster_sa

Adulting so well today. Managed to make the bed while i was still in it.

Now to figure out how to get out, without messing it up.