*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus
You Might Also Like
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
Still suddenly panicking that you haven’t done your homework on Sunday evenings, despite being in your thirties
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
Imagine falling in love with somebody and finding out they’re uncomfortable making the sex in an abandoned mannequin factory.
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
Where on my donor card do I indicate that my organs are not to be used to save anyone who pronounces it “eck-cetera?”
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
[10,000 BC]
Primary cause of death: Eaten[Now]
Primary cause of death: Eating
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My boyfriend talks to everyone while I stand by quietly planning my escape.
[at a wake]
Me: *closes coffin to set my drink down* so, what are you doing after this
Widow: wow
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I made popcorn.
Teen smelled popcorn.
I no longer have popcorn.