How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
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me: i feel like im being singled out because im the oldest person in this karate class and im winning all my matches
them: this is a daycare and you are under arrest
Lucky old June.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Supposed to leave for vacation in 5 minutes. Somehow, the clothes I need to pack that I threw in the washer an hour ago, aren’t ready.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
That awkward moment when you whip off your shirt and realize you never put on your swimsuit
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
WHY?!
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them