ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
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On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
I can’t believe I shaved my toes for this
were your parents the last ones to pick you up from school or are you normal
From my Mom
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
I only say stupid things when I talk.
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
Some people come into our lives only briefly
Some touch our hearts and will always be with us
And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
One of my buddies lost his right arm in a car accident which is a huge bummer, so much money wasted on tattoos
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Her: Did you turn the iron off before you left? Over.
Me: *in a ship streaking through the endless vacuum of space* …Dammit. Over.
SPIDER-MAN: hold it right there, Chameleon
CHAMELEON: how’d u know it was me??
SM: ur disguised as Peter Parker
C: so?
SM: *starts sweating*
[Turing Test]
Tester: Let’s start with an easy one, the square root of 29241?
Subject: 171!
Tester:
Subject: I meant, idk math is hard. lol
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Noah: An ark? Full of animals??
God: …
Noah: You even listening??
God: Sorry what? I was checking out the iPhone 6. This thing is garbage.