DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
When I turn on the lights all of the dads scatter off of my deck, the fat dads can’t get over the fence
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
It’s amazing how water drops from my shower make little faces all around.
I see Mona Lisa on the wall,
A cute Pikachu on the glass,
And my neighbor’s face in the bathroom window.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
Your parents taught you to wash your hands after you pee. My parents taught me not to pee on my hands in the first place.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
2025
-All children are named Logan
-The most recent president is a ferret who came in 2nd on the Amazing Race.
-Betty White is still alive
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we prefer to call it a background check.
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
If the couch is barking, you’re sitting on the dog.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket