*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

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Brought a ninja to a gunfight and it was really cool. Everyone clapped. Then they shot him.


To avoid small talk with neighbors I’ve taken to checking the mail in the middle of the night like some kinda raccoon with bills.


Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here


the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it


The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?


The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.


Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.


[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip