10 people in 1 suffer from multiple personality disorder.
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-Rex
T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
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Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
Cool me too. I love planet earth
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
I see dead people.
Well actually they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes
You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.
“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”
The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today
19: Okay mom, don’t freak out but…