*hands phone to T-Rex

T-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.

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[Being Tortured]

Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?

Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee

Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant


They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.


[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
Cool me too. I love planet earth


I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.


I see dead people.

Well actually they’re stupid people, but give me a few minutes


You’ve reached voicemail of [Jim], leave a message.

“Hi it’s the library. The book ‘How to Steal Library Books’ is now 1 week over…UH OH”


The lady at the bakery who draws her eyebrows on is looking extra surprised today