dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
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“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
Stop me if you’ve heard this already.
-said no kid ever
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The reason God calls all of us his children is so he can claim us all as dependents.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat
Son: I need a suit for Pledge Night at the Fraternity.
Me: I’ll take you suit shopping.
[suit shopping]
Me [realizing the cheapest suit is $700]: Can’t you just wear a toga?
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
Someone called me an “alarmist old lady,” when Boomer Doomer was right there.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
*firefighter wraps me in blanket after he rescues me*
Um I just came out of a fire so I’m pretty hot actually
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
My cat likes to eat treats off the windowsill, and my dog likes to sit below it and gobble up any treats that he drops.
Trickle down treatonomics.
air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
The first charcuterie board was just improvisation by some dude who didn’t have enough snack bowls.
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I just found $11 in my pocket and then mentally spent about $187 of it.